Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference. - Charlie Chaplin

So long Anchorage. Until we meet again.

I have talked to a lot of you about Nome,and how I'm doing; how it's not nearly as cheery of a picture as I paint on this little blog I have. 

I have been having a really hard time here. I sound really happy about it all, but this place sucks the absolute life out someone that is a city person at heart. Sure I love to get out of the city, rough it in the woods, go days without showering, exploring places that others think... WTF? But this place? This place is a constant reminder that I do like the road system, I do like seeing more than the same 5 people every day... in the city you can feel so alone because you are surrounded by so many anonymous faces... turns out I prefer that kind of lonely to this secluded loneliness that allows me to dwell on the small trivial things in life. And those trivial things become huge mountains of anguish... because... there is nothing to keep me from thinking otherwise.  I don't live in reality. I live daily in non-reality.  It's interesting to think about, and it was pretty okay for the first little bit. The sun was always out, there were always people to go 4-wheeling with back into the hills, or up towards the fish camp that is 15 miles up the beach.  But right now?   We have 8 hours of daylight. We lose 6 minutes every day... that is 1 hour every 10 days. Nothing is frozen over, there is not nearly enough snow to snowmachine on.., in fact there isn't any snow on the ground at all in town. It falls at night and melts during our 8 hours of daylight turning every street in town into a complete mud pit.  It's blowing 25mph all day, every day, and pouring rain.  Let me just say that riding a 4-wheeler in that kind of weather just sucks.  No matter the windshield or the hand grip warmers.

This place is also starting to take a serious toll on my physical well-being. I can barely eat, I sleep all the time, I look forward to my three days of work because it is actually something to do.  I can only go to the same three bars with the same group of people seeing all the people I take care of in the ER so many days in a row.  There is absolutely nothing to do in this town.  Nothing. I am going stir crazy. Literally crazy.   No amount of wine, puzzles, small dinner parties, or the promise of trips out of town.. to a road system! and more than one radio station! and enough bandwidth to actually stream things from the internet (holy first world problems.. I know!)! has been able to help.  

I went to Anchorage on Sunday. I had spent the last 3 weeks in Nome, working, and realizing that I was slowly losing my sanity.  Some very wondrous things happened in Anchorage that I am not at liberty to post on this very public forum.  If you are interested please email or text me.  Things are looking up, and things are looking bright, and even though I have that in my mind... I still had to come back to Nome.  Before getting on the plane my stomach turned to knots again, anxie-rrhea... I have 6 nights of work ahead of me then a day off to get back on a non-vampire schedule, then a trip to the lower-48! I will be giving a talk to the next class of nurses that will be graduating from Seattle University next Friday morning.  Telling them of my experience. My adventure. My reality living in a place, that to me, is so far removed from reality.  Perhaps if it was all that I had ever known it would be such a nice place to live. 

I will always have that city streak in me.  A place to get my eyebrows waxed, hot yoga, a place to get tea at any time, more than 3 restaurants to choose from, reliable cell service, reliable internet, paved roads, not having to wear ski goggles because of the dust/rain/wind... you know normal stuff.  I can't apologize for any of those things. It is just me.  Maybe being more off the beaten path but still having a city to go to that doesn't require an hour plane ride or a dog sled team to get to could be plausible.  Just thinkin out loud. One thing is certain.. and that is nothing in life is certain.

So if in the last month or so you have noticed a shift my mood, now you know why.  I will keep trying to make the best of this situation that, in the end, I have chosen for myself.  I chose this ride. I chose to live in Nome. I chose to work in Nome. And now I'm figuring out how to deal.