True friends stab you in the front - Oscar Wilde

Lots of thoughts and musings, adventures and work.  Sounds like a normal spot for me in life!

I recently took a lunch trip up to Talkeetna with my old roommate Megan who I used to live with up in Nome and when I first moved down to Anchorage. Megan is also a native of Ohio! So many things in common this girl and I have. The drive to Talkeetna is about 2.5 hours. We drove up had lunch watched the tourists scurry about and then drove 2.5 hours back.  Who does that? We do. The size of Alaska is pretty mind blowing, even living here it's just madness how far one will drive for a day trip or adventure. We hadn't seen each other in awhile so the girl chat and gossip and life musings we had made the drive, both ways, fly by.  I have some pretty amazing friends, I might not see them daily, weekly, monthly... sometimes not even yearly! but I know that if I pick up the phone and call them they will answer, and be there to help me. Just as I would answer the call for them, and do whatever I could to help them.  Those are the best of friends I think that one can have. The true friends that have seen the absolute best in you, the happiest that you can be, watch and encourage your soul to shine as bright as it can. But they have also seen the darkest side of you, have held you while cry about things that may not matter in 10 minutes or things that are completely life changing; and when they can't be there they do things to show that they are with you in spirit. Text messages with inspirational quotes, or sending a stuffed orange cat in a green t-shirt overnight to be in their place. I am so incredibly blessed.

Artwork over the mainstage at Salmonstock!

Salmonstock came to the little town of Ninilchik last weekend so I packed myself up and headed to a hippie music festival.  I think it's very safe to say that I am not a "festival" person.  After sleeping on the floor of a barn in my tent, my neck was sore, my cough was terrible, I was freezing.  I like flush toilets, or maybe i just don't like port-a-potties..., and access to clean water.  Yeah I'm a bit of a princess I suppose. But hey if no one else is going to treat me like one as may as well treat myself like one!

So I met up with a new work friend (Buffie) and her husband, and an old nursing school friend (Ali) who just got a job in Anchorage at a different hospital.  Pretty cool to meld two people from different spots of life into one.  Buffie took me and Ali in and I only had to spend one night on the cold hard ground. The second night at salmonstock we spent in a trailer. Buffie's son let us have his spot in the trailer and slept with mom and dad. Ali and I slept head to toe in a space smaller than a twin bed... Hahaha SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE GROUND! We drank wine and watched an incredible sunset. Scaled a bluff down to the beach.  Last weekend is what makes friendships so sweet. Building new, reinforcing old. brilliant.

Sunset over Mt Redoubt... total stunner

The bluff we scaled to the beach
was pretty high up, Ali is the shadow
down there

And a Bentley picture for good measure!

Life I think is a series of events that happen. And I think a lot of my sadness and heartache does come from when these events don't line up in time the way I want them to. I was talking to a good friend about this. Enlightened by the thought of logistics. Logistics are the key to anything that's supposed to be.  How many wonderful individuals that have had a walk on part in my life, that just kind of faded away. Not that I wanted them to, but life happens and lives don't line up anymore and away they go. This isn't just with  boyfriends.  I can think of numerous girlfriends that have come and gone in my life over the last decade. Some that I would have considered to be my best of friends that I no longer speak to. Life has just taken our lines and has directed them left and right, and maybe they will meet again, but maybe they won't. As always waiting to see what the universe sends my way is a test of the virtue I lack least... patience.   One day everything might line up.  Until then I'll enjoy the lines i'm connected to right now.  

Today a hot cup of tea, and the hum of my cat is what is making me smile. And the thought that in 5 nights I will have 5 nights off. And I will accomplish things that grownups need to do. Like buy a bike. More adventures to come!

With love!

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. - Erma Bombeck

Hello everyone! How have you been?  Since we last spoke I moved into my new house! I have had visitors! I have worked more than I have cared to. I have laughed and I have cried. So basically... I've just been living life.

We've had some pretty serious wildfires down on the Kenai Peninsula.  That was back in late May. Made for some incredible sunsets, interesting breathing problems, and coming out of work to find a light dusting of ash on the car.... umm what?  New experiences for sure. But Anchorage was never in any trouble of catching fire. But it was amazing to watch how the smoke would change directions. The first night the winds changed and the whole hospital smelled like a campfire.

 I finally closed on my house. I am a homeowner. I love my little house. It has a huge lilac bush that drapes over the front entryway, and a pretty hedge (that has now been trimmed) that shadows the front. Two big birch trees in the front yard too.  No thanks to the small children that run amok in this neighborhood.  To say I have been waging a small war is an understatement. But I think I have found the key.. they stay off my property, I don't yell at them, drag them to their homes and then yell at them again in front of their parents for being on my trailer... that's on my driveway..... and leaving their jackets and bikes and trash in my yard.  They don't do any of those things anymore because I am the mean lady. Works for me. But I also ply them with cookies and brownies sporadically as a thank you for respecting my space and for being quiet around my house. It's a give and take. and I think we have a good system worked out now. My neighbors are jealous that the kids are scared of me and not them. Hahaha well... you just have to be mean show your teeth, bark real loud. and be THAT neighbor.  I have no problem being THAT neighbor. If you won't be a parent to your children, they WILL respect my property; and I WILL be a parent to them, setting a hard line of what is okay and not okay.

I've been pretty busy picking up all of these extra shifts as everyone has weddings and plans to visit family and friends out of state, or having them visit in state. Lots of overtime to be had.  I am learning very quickly that when one gets greedy one loses their mind. Quite literally.  There is a very fine balance between making it rain and being so exhausted that no one wants to hang out with you because the wrong color at a traffic light can bring you to an epic meltdown because the brain just can't handle anything at all.  Yeah I've done that. It's not pretty. In fact I may have done it on more than one occasion. Ugh. No one said I was a fast learner. No more extra shifts for a month. Time to relax and just take in what this state has to offer, and get the weeds pulled, go 4-wheeling, enjoy myself. Granted you can't spend money if you are too tired to do so. It's such a double edged sword.

Harry from Respiratory Therapy says I should just intubate and sedate. I may do it the other way around if I like the person though. I have been getting better at my job, taking on patients that are more critical, and feeling more confident in my work. Feeling like I made the right decision to become a nurse of the emergency type. That I am an actual team player. That when someone is needed in the absolute worst shitstorm one could imagine.. I can be counted on to help.  I love that i feel the exact same way about my teammates that I work with. We are becoming a very cohesive group, we help eachother out without question, without hesitation, without keeping score. When someone is down there is someone there to pick up what is left behind. A trauma comes in and who ever takes that patient the other nurses absorb that nurses patients care until that nurse is available again. What an incredible feeling. To never feel alone at work. To know the resources are there. And they won't turn their back on you. They will answer questions. No matter how trivial, benign, amateur, or otherwise that they are. It's almost like coming into a marriage. for better or worse, we have to have each others backs or everyone will lose.

So on the rare occasion that I am able to get out and about I run to the top of things! This is a view from the top of Flat Top, which is just outside of Anchorage.

I've been on a some dates. I'm finding that I just love broken souls. Ugh. Hurt souls. Souls that have so much potential. That are hurt and broken because others have been unkind to them. Like others have been unkind to me. Expectations are indeed the root of most heartache. I know that I shouldn't like these types. But it's what I'm drawn to. Emotionally unavailable, unable to use words to say what is going on. Out of my entire life this; finding a companion, is the thing I crave most. I chase relentlessly for.  A buddy that will hike with me, ride wheelers and snowmachines with, someone that will go on 2 hour car rides just to get lunch in a cool spot, someone that will travel with me. Let me be who I am, crazy bits and all. Someone that will just give in return to me what I give to them.   My life is like a beautiful brand new black shiny sports car. It's fabulous in every way. Until you notice that one spot on the door where the people at the dealership missed during their hand wash. That glaring small patch of not shiny black paint. It's there, and it's hard to overlook once it's noticed.  That's how I feel about it. You can all write your cliche comments about how everything will fall into place when it is meant to be, and that you can't rush these things, and all of the others that fall in line with those sentiments.

Oh look. Mom sent me craft bourbon and whiskey!  Perfect to drown my sorrows in!

On much happier notes! Here are the pictures you have all been waiting for!

My living room!

Dining room looking down the hallway

My kitchen! DOUBLE OVEN!!

View of my living room and kitchen from my dining room

Another view into the kitchen

Mom and I are happy to be out exploring!Not in the house! Hatcher's Pass!

View from Hatchers

View from the drive up

Why the bunny ears?! hehehe

The view from the deck at Alyeska.
Tea in hand. Problem solving.
It's what we do best.

Mom up at Crow Creek Trail head

The dirt road that leads back down the mountain. This state
just doesn't stop with the sheer beauty.

Shortly after mom left my new skis came in the mail. No Steve this is not where they live. But you can see my awesome new skis and dining room table! And rug!!

The yard work is done. The blog has been updated. My 3rd weekend in a row off is coming to a close. Life is being put back into perspective. It's messy and chaotic and beautiful. Everything as it should be. One day I won't worry so much about finding a mate. but if i didn't fret about that.. what would I fret about? I suppose there are worse things.  Until then, I'm living the dream. I have my cat, my job, awesome friends that help me when I'm down, family that is always there for me no matter what, and I'm here for myself. And I do what makes me happy. Because if I don't no one else will. I know only I can make myself truly happy.  Cheers to that!

Live your life so well that death will tremble to take you - Charles Bukowski

Alyeska. Heaven

So After I left Nome I found my way around Anchorage, met a pretty nice guy, in which I knew from the start that nothing would ever come of it, even though he was mighty pretty.  Alas I have a thing for emotionally unavailable men that are very easy on the eyes... I think some of them might be slightly autistic... probably why they have no concept of emotions... anyways another rant for another day.  I took my snow machine out in the nonexistent snow and over heated the engine more times than I can count... I also came to the realization that if I didn't have a man with me I probably wouldn't be able to start it on my own... so this summer.... automatic starter upgrade. yes please.  I went skiing the last few days that it did snow, I went to Colorado and skied a few days too.

 

Skiing at Alyeska

I went to Nome and watched the end of the Iditarod! Still have to catch the beginning at some point... maybe next year ;) The debauchery that comes with the end of the Iditarod is nuts. It's kind of like Las Vegas... only the bodies are much softer and rounder, and there isn't any gambling. But you can be sure there is enough booze to drown a town in and enough skin to scar a person for an entire lifetime. The winner of the wet t-shirt contest seriously had six teats. it was tremendous. I'm so glad I got to experience Nome, I wouldn't change that for anything. I appreciate my car, roads, stop lights, and other things most don't think about ... an apple that doesn't cost $2.50 EACH.... What a cool story, and a cool place to start my nursing experience.

 

Got to see the end of the last great race

And wear my seal skin and beaver hat!

Gary Buser coming in hot

Puppies so happy to be finished

There I am!

After Nome headed to the lower 48 for some actual city time in Seattle. I was able to see my good friends and go to all the places that I love to eat and drink at. I find I miss the sounds and the smells (even if that smell is bum pee) of the city. Sometimes it's nice to be completely anonymous.

 

Now I'm just hanging out here in Anchorage, doing hikes that are just outside of town... we're talking 20 minute drive to the trailhead. This place surely doesn't disappoint. 

Looking up towards Big O'Malley from the top of the little one

The hike up to Little O'Malley

View of Anchorage from the top of Little O'Malley

 

I will soon have pictures of my new place. It will be a couple of week until the next update. But hopefully it won't be another 3-4 months.

 

Love to you all!

I made it to the top of Wolverine! 10 mile round trip hike. The views were unbelievable! 

Another view from Wolverine

That's not a dog print ;)

Portage Glacier behind me. 5/18 day hike in Whittier, AK

Coming down the trail. This is what makes it worth it! 

About 100 yards from the toe of the glacier. A raging river stopped us
short of our goal. Still... not a bad place to take a little nap. The scenery
is just unreal, Pictures do not do it justice 

Very happy feet. Portage Glacier

Oh how green it is! On the way to Portage Glacier

This picture just isn't good enough, Waterfalls everywhere!

So there ya go! Some skiing, some Iditarod and of my hikes including Little O'Malley, Wolverine Peak, and the hike to Portage Glacier. So far so good here in the last frontier!! 

I will find the right words, and they will be simple - Jack Kerouac

So I know it has been MONTHS since my last post. And it has been far too long for some, and not nearly long enough for others. Life has had it's ups and downs, but mainly it's been all ups. My job is great, I am making awesome connections and new friends, going on hiking explorations and making plans for future adventures. I bought my first home! I am moving in about two weeks.  I can't believe it! I'm almost a grown up. I have Nome friends coming to visit over 4th of July, my mom is coming out the weekend after that.  I can't wait! I've even got a trip planned back to Ohio in the fall. 

 

I've gotten a lot of interesting and humbling experiences since being in this big town.  I have yet to have a patient die on me, but I have been a part of saving lives that I'm sure Darwin was trying to take. Modern medicine is a pretty amazing thing. It also allows humans to be in general as dumb as they possibly can be, and still get away with it.  We have had some tragic outcomes to some stories, uplifting ends to others.  It seems that the good in people doesn't mean that they are immune to the bad in the world. Having surreal moments with people in their deepest moments of hurt, the loss of a child, when all you can do is hold their hand and cry with them.  I cry not at the loss of their child, or even at the thought of maybe losing my own child one day (not that i want one anyways... i'm a way better auntie), but the raw human emotion of loss.  I just wanted to crawl into bed and hold this woman as she choked and sobbed at the loss of her baby. The silver lining is at that moment I did what I could do; and it wasn't words, it was just a touch. and it was stillness. and it was quiet. I think in this big loud world we forget about the power of silence. listening. just being.  I have taken in a lot from my yoga practice and my meditation practices in being in the present. neither 2 seconds ahead nor 2 seconds behind. just being.  It's so foreign still, but it is a work in progress. With all the things in the world falling down, to go sit on a mat in a heated room and just breathe through the struggle. To embrace that struggle. The struggle of... jesus it's hot in here... I need to leave. But you don't. you stay put. you slow down. you breathe through it. you will be okay. The thought of ANOTHER backbend when all I want to do is lay in corpse pose and just close my eyes and give up. But no. you breathe through it, slow down, make purposeful movements, nothing that isn't necessary. Live in the misery, embrace it, and know that this too will indeed pass.  

 

After taking the woman who lost her child to the floor I was reminded that even through someones own personal turmoil that life continues. The world will still spin, the sun will continue to come up and go down. My neighbors lives will stay their course, and oddly enough this womans course, while slightly altered, will remain. Slower at first, but it will go on.  The first time I ever had this experience was standing in line at the United counter at the Denver International airport.  The night before I had received the devastating phone call that my beloved grandfather had passed away, unexpectedly. My whole world came crashing to a halt. I was just having fun in Boulder with all my friends tubing down Boulder Creek, and I was headed to a business conference the next day. That weird eerie feeling of seeing my moms cell number show up on my phone. I knew before I even picked the phone up. Something was wrong. Very wrong. So I was headed to Columbus on the first flight the next day.  I was standing in the middle of a 100+person line crying my eyes out. I couldn't get it together. All of these people in their business suits, with their children going on vacations, and me going to bury my grandfather. Why didn't these people understand? Why were they laughing and smiling.  And in the middle of that line, in the middle of such organized chaos... clarity. I was going to be fine. The world was still going round and round. It's okay to feel the sadness. From my grandfathers death I was inspired to take a new path in life, and now look where I am. I don't know if papa was ready for this drastic of a change. But I'm sure he's smiling down now, shaking his head... that's my granddaughter.

 

So I have been making the most out of this new adventure I've partaken in. I've been out hiking and exploring, meeting new friends, exploring new places to eat and drink and be merry. I'm excited to buy things like tiki torches for my new back yard! How crazy! I'm thinking about getting Bentley a new cat friend once there isn't someone always around.  Then comes the task of finding a nice older cat that he can tolerate. This should be a good time. I will fully embrace my inner cat lady! I may even make my mom help me find one! hahaha she's also cat lady :) I come by it honestly

 

I feel i should be keeping this up more, and hopefully now that life has settled a little more this will be the case.  My love life is in the state that it is always in.  Maybe one day; but that day surely isn't today or tomorrow, probably not the next day either. I guess if I stop looking I will find it.  Although the pond is getting smaller and more shallow, my hopes are still there... somewhere... I guess. The bitterness is there. I can't help it some days. I am so truly excited for my friends that are all finding their soulmates, the ones that compliment their lives and the people that encourage them to grow as individuals. I love that I have been able to be part of their courtships and weddings. But it's hard not to think... I'm the last one standing sometimes.  I know that I have a handful of girlfriends that understand as they are right there with me, but it's hard. The adage of "you will meet the right person when the time is right" gets old and under my skin and makes me mad, and more bitter.  How much longer do I have to wait? patience I guess. Whatever.

 

And on a totally random and unrelated note. I would like to suggest to everyone reading this that they take the time to honestly talk to their loved ones about what should happen if that person is unable to medical choices for themselves.  Moms and dads, grandparents, grown children.  A Do Not Resuscitate order just isn't enough these days. It's important to discuss the options of Do Not Intubate and Do Not Ventilate. As all three of these things are separate
and are not inclusive of one another.  Just because you stop breathing doesn't mean your heart has stopped. Just because you still have a slight breath left doesn't mean they won't put you on BiPAP and alas keep you alive by pure science.  I hate that death is still so taboo. When it is just as natural as birth is. As papa used to say: Life is terminal. No one gets out alive.  Nothing could ever be more true. Also birth and death are the easy bits, everything in between is complicated.

 

Next entry will be about my adventures. I guess I've just needed a little place to vent my philosophies on life a little. So I'll step off this little soap box of mine and put it away now.  Now to show you the fun parts of what I've been up to!

Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience. - Laurence J. Peter

Only thing missing is SNOW! Taken on a little trip to Girdwood this weekend

Oh yay! 40 posts! I'm like a grown up or something! Nah that's not true... when you become a grown up you've bought into all the lies that society has been feeding you all your life, and you've given up the fire inside to live life and move forward, no matter the glacial pace, and just accept right now for the rest of your life.  That actually sounds terrible. I want to be a responsible child forever!!

YAY! FURNITURE! Only 3 mugs broke in transit! 

Trying to find a place to buy is a bit underwhelming.. pretty much like online dating. Ooohh the write up looks nice, the pictures are good... in real life? Oh what camera angles can do for a place! Why do hoarders list their houses and not clean anything up? You have your bed sticking out of a closet! WHAT THE FREAK?! You have boxes of trash everywhere in all of your pictures! I'm sure the car I saw at Costco was yours... the Jeep Cherokee with only enough space inside of it for one driver and NOTHING else.... Interesting way to get out of being the driver when carpooling comes up. So needless to say... the search continues. I saw 4 places last week, and will see 3 more places tomorrow.

Me and my Ohioan roomie Megan!

Work is going awesome. I have great mentors, doctors and techs that I work with. I am exposed to more conditions, illnesses, and dumb things that people do to themselves.  Snowmachining with no helmet and then your head stops your body from sliding for forever. Meth... Not even once.  And other such fun things!

Chugach Mountains

In other news... Give us back out weather Lower 48! Granted the sunshine is really nice, but no snow on the ground isn't. I think Alaskans are the only ones complaining about too much sun and not enough snow at this point.  So you guys can just mail it back in a box. We will gladly take it.

Love the reflection of the mountains on the water!

Bentley is doing well. He is making the transition.  He doesn't like the dog we live with part time.  He ends up just hanging out in my room unless the dog is out of the house.  Sigh.  Oh well.  Nothing to earth shattering to report.  I'm just getting used to the real world again.  It's nice.  Just planning my next adventure. Perhaps I'll go to the Kentucky Derby, or skiing in CO since they have snow, maybe Hawaii for some warmth with the sunshine? Guess only time will tell!

This is Zephy. Bentley's puppy "friend"

Bentley is hiding. Poorly.