Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference. - Charlie Chaplin

So long Anchorage. Until we meet again.

I have talked to a lot of you about Nome,and how I'm doing; how it's not nearly as cheery of a picture as I paint on this little blog I have. 

I have been having a really hard time here. I sound really happy about it all, but this place sucks the absolute life out someone that is a city person at heart. Sure I love to get out of the city, rough it in the woods, go days without showering, exploring places that others think... WTF? But this place? This place is a constant reminder that I do like the road system, I do like seeing more than the same 5 people every day... in the city you can feel so alone because you are surrounded by so many anonymous faces... turns out I prefer that kind of lonely to this secluded loneliness that allows me to dwell on the small trivial things in life. And those trivial things become huge mountains of anguish... because... there is nothing to keep me from thinking otherwise.  I don't live in reality. I live daily in non-reality.  It's interesting to think about, and it was pretty okay for the first little bit. The sun was always out, there were always people to go 4-wheeling with back into the hills, or up towards the fish camp that is 15 miles up the beach.  But right now?   We have 8 hours of daylight. We lose 6 minutes every day... that is 1 hour every 10 days. Nothing is frozen over, there is not nearly enough snow to snowmachine on.., in fact there isn't any snow on the ground at all in town. It falls at night and melts during our 8 hours of daylight turning every street in town into a complete mud pit.  It's blowing 25mph all day, every day, and pouring rain.  Let me just say that riding a 4-wheeler in that kind of weather just sucks.  No matter the windshield or the hand grip warmers.

This place is also starting to take a serious toll on my physical well-being. I can barely eat, I sleep all the time, I look forward to my three days of work because it is actually something to do.  I can only go to the same three bars with the same group of people seeing all the people I take care of in the ER so many days in a row.  There is absolutely nothing to do in this town.  Nothing. I am going stir crazy. Literally crazy.   No amount of wine, puzzles, small dinner parties, or the promise of trips out of town.. to a road system! and more than one radio station! and enough bandwidth to actually stream things from the internet (holy first world problems.. I know!)! has been able to help.  

I went to Anchorage on Sunday. I had spent the last 3 weeks in Nome, working, and realizing that I was slowly losing my sanity.  Some very wondrous things happened in Anchorage that I am not at liberty to post on this very public forum.  If you are interested please email or text me.  Things are looking up, and things are looking bright, and even though I have that in my mind... I still had to come back to Nome.  Before getting on the plane my stomach turned to knots again, anxie-rrhea... I have 6 nights of work ahead of me then a day off to get back on a non-vampire schedule, then a trip to the lower-48! I will be giving a talk to the next class of nurses that will be graduating from Seattle University next Friday morning.  Telling them of my experience. My adventure. My reality living in a place, that to me, is so far removed from reality.  Perhaps if it was all that I had ever known it would be such a nice place to live. 

I will always have that city streak in me.  A place to get my eyebrows waxed, hot yoga, a place to get tea at any time, more than 3 restaurants to choose from, reliable cell service, reliable internet, paved roads, not having to wear ski goggles because of the dust/rain/wind... you know normal stuff.  I can't apologize for any of those things. It is just me.  Maybe being more off the beaten path but still having a city to go to that doesn't require an hour plane ride or a dog sled team to get to could be plausible.  Just thinkin out loud. One thing is certain.. and that is nothing in life is certain.

So if in the last month or so you have noticed a shift my mood, now you know why.  I will keep trying to make the best of this situation that, in the end, I have chosen for myself.  I chose this ride. I chose to live in Nome. I chose to work in Nome. And now I'm figuring out how to deal.  

Wherever you go, go with all your heart. - Confucius

The harbor, and the view from dinner

 This is from the little trip I took to Seward, AK to visit one of the doctors that also works in Nome. She is one of the best docs in Nome and I was so thankful that she was gracious enough to let me stay at her place for a few nights!

The rest of the pictures are from Homer, California and pictures of Nome!

Exit Glacier, just outside of Seward

The view driving into Homer, AK

Leave it to the bathroom in a bar to have such a positive message!

This is the little hostel/homestead T and I stayed at on our
 Homer adventure

These ponies are doing it right!

One of the owners of Seaside Farms has an incredible artistic
touch. Loved this!

Marine Highway ship coming in

Sunset over Kachemak Bay

Little drops of heaven come from here ;)

First stop on the wine tour was Frogs Leap

Enjoying a Petite Syrah while taking in the gardens

Sporting CU stuff ;) 

Next stop Francis Coppola winery!

Loved the views of the endless vineyards

Me and Leah getting ready for a wedding!!

A picture of my kitchen. My pots and pans hang over the sink! 

The Alaska Airlines Eskimo on the tail is keeping watch
at the airport

Me in my fancy "Safety
Patrol" hat

The gray house is my best friends house.  This is the view
from my living room window.  Cheers Jesse!

An angry sea today. 

Goodness is the only investment that never fails. - Henry David Thoreau

I know it's been a long time without an update and I am so so so sorry! It's been a busy past month, with lots of ups and downs, and me trying to find my way through life... you know the standard being 30 in a town far far away. Besides working at the hospital in Anchorage I also did a little sight seeing as well! I was able to make it down the Seward and to stunning Homer, AK. I went to Napa Valley in California to watch one of my best friends from nursing school get married, and spent some time with my incredible friend Leah and her husband bubby.  I also took my certification test to be a board certified ER nurse. I won't find out the results for another 4 weeks or so. So fingers crossed! Plus do you know how daunting of a task it seems with every passing day that I don't write that I will need to write about that passing day... now times that by 6 weeks... I don't really know where to start.

 I finished up my stint in Anchorage at the hospital there. I got to see and work with really sick patients, watch a few die, save a few, and deal with the drunk and disorderly.  I have seen the best in people and the absolute worst. I reflect on the words of doctors and nurses a like.  We had a woman brought to us via Anchorage PD for a suspected sexual assault. So that sucks.  But then you get the story from the girl.  You hear it, you want to believe it, you bring them back into the ER, you tell them that the doc is going to need to evaluate them. She refused the evaluation. And it was an interesting thing.  Do you be naive and believe her or are you the asshole because you don't? The general consensus was that if you can't see it... it didn't happen.  How weird to feel both naive and like an asshole at the same time, and yet I still haven't made a real opinion on what had happened. I got to see lots of overdoses, attempted suicides, WAY drunk people, lots of synthetic marijuana (spice).... which is HORRIBLE stuff... legalize the real stuff and ban that fake stuff!  I got to help with putting in chest tubes, and rapid sequence intubations. All good things to have done a few times because the chances of doing them in Nome are few and far between. I also had a few "what the fuck am I doing? why am I nurse?" moments... Those weren't so fun.  I asked a few of the new friends I made if this was "normal" and a few of them candidly told me that they had been having those exact thoughts for 5 years, and that it is indeed normal. Asking my nursing school friends the same question.... I'm not alone either.  

Speaking of Nome I am finally in my own Nome nice place! It's a cute stand alone 1 bedroom house. Yes it has running water, plumbing, heat, windows, floors that aren't dirt, electricity, cable and internet! It's like I walk in and I am in the lower 48! Hahahaha!! Almost! I have my own little deep freeze freezer because i have a micro freezer in the fridge that doesn't hold more than ice cubes. My new little freezer holds my 10lb bags of frozen chicken breasts, and my 5lb of steak, ice, butter, milk, all the things I buy in bulk in Anchorage and bring back to Nome with me. I will post pictures of my place once all the boxes and totes are removed and my clothes are hidden from view!   The weather is changing and it has been snowing a little, and raining and 35 degrees a lot. The wind is picking up and it most certainly feels like winter is coming.  I bought a snowmachine when I was in Anchorage. T and his friends are going to teach me how to ride it and I will ship it to Nome in January some time.  Don't worry there is plenty of snow on the ground in Nome until around May so I will still be using it as my daily driver for awhile after I get it up here.  I have been asked to be the medical staff for the Nome to Golovin snowmachine race by one of the local snowmachine/4-wheeler shops (the one I frequent quite often)... that should be a nice resume booster... certainly unique if nothing else.  Dirtrude has been upgraded again to nice warm grips for my hands.  They get HOT! even on the lowest setting.  I'm sure this is something that I won't regret.

I'm back to night shift now in Nome, it's a nice change of pace. I am really enjoying it.  We get more actual sick people than people that come for a well baby check up (Yes they bring their healthy babies to the nasty, gross, germ filled ER for this.... WTF?).  For those wondering we are still getting about 9 hours of daylight now. The sun doesn't come up until around 9am though.  We've had some really good aurora sightings around here when the sky has been clear.  So far we haven't much excitement at night. Just had a pt come in and drop a knife at my feet with cuts all over their arms saying they wanted to hurt themselves... talk about dramatic entrances... jesus. I know I may sound a little cold in saying stuff like that, but if you were to know the entire back story... This individual needs more help than may be available in the state.  They know all the right things to say to get in the door and all the right things to be let out the door. Manipulative, and cunning.  I also saw something I hope to never see again and that is a unilateral (one side of the body only) seizing 3-month old baby with absolutely no fever at all.  The team in the hospital (Hey I was included in the team this time! YYYEEESSS!) got this very sick kiddo from door to in the air in 1.5 hours. This is medicine in rural Alaska.  I am just so thankful that the baby stopped seizing after we finally got medication into it, and also that the weather was clear enough for our little King Air to get off the ground and to Anchorage where this kiddo needed to be.

So for now I have had 4 days off and I have stayed in Nome for all of them... I must be sick! It's been good though. I have been out with other nurses from the acute care unit, my old roommate Megan came back to town to visit her boyfriend, I was able to go and partake in a Mexican potluck dinner and other festivities! Making new Nomite friends! And keeping my old ones too :)  I go back to Anchorage for a haircut and such  on Sunday.  It has only been like 8 months since my last trim and my hair is WAY to long.... it takes 4 hair ties to keep it up at the gym! That is just insanity! NO! So I will take about 4"-6" off and the best part? no one will be able to tell the difference.  Long hair is awesome like that.

We have been having serious Nome problems lately.  The post office is down two people and the packages are backing up for everyone! I fear when it is time for me to receive all the packages I have been ordering the last 3-4 weeks and my from Ohio box filled with flour, sugar and brown sugar (That stuff is SUPER heavy and dense and takes up too much room in my totes when I travel for how much they weigh!) that I will be yelled at for not picking up my boxes in a timely fashion.... or there will be so many that I will have to drive out by the airport to the annex and fetch them all!

Life is okay up here in the tundra.  And hey fake it til ya make it right?

Until later (which I promise will be sooner than this post came about) lovelies! I will post pictures tomorrow some time!