So I know it has been MONTHS since my last post. And it has been far too long for some, and not nearly long enough for others. Life has had it's ups and downs, but mainly it's been all ups. My job is great, I am making awesome connections and new friends, going on hiking explorations and making plans for future adventures. I bought my first home! I am moving in about two weeks. I can't believe it! I'm almost a grown up. I have Nome friends coming to visit over 4th of July, my mom is coming out the weekend after that. I can't wait! I've even got a trip planned back to Ohio in the fall.
I've gotten a lot of interesting and humbling experiences since being in this big town. I have yet to have a patient die on me, but I have been a part of saving lives that I'm sure Darwin was trying to take. Modern medicine is a pretty amazing thing. It also allows humans to be in general as dumb as they possibly can be, and still get away with it. We have had some tragic outcomes to some stories, uplifting ends to others. It seems that the good in people doesn't mean that they are immune to the bad in the world. Having surreal moments with people in their deepest moments of hurt, the loss of a child, when all you can do is hold their hand and cry with them. I cry not at the loss of their child, or even at the thought of maybe losing my own child one day (not that i want one anyways... i'm a way better auntie), but the raw human emotion of loss. I just wanted to crawl into bed and hold this woman as she choked and sobbed at the loss of her baby. The silver lining is at that moment I did what I could do; and it wasn't words, it was just a touch. and it was stillness. and it was quiet. I think in this big loud world we forget about the power of silence. listening. just being. I have taken in a lot from my yoga practice and my meditation practices in being in the present. neither 2 seconds ahead nor 2 seconds behind. just being. It's so foreign still, but it is a work in progress. With all the things in the world falling down, to go sit on a mat in a heated room and just breathe through the struggle. To embrace that struggle. The struggle of... jesus it's hot in here... I need to leave. But you don't. you stay put. you slow down. you breathe through it. you will be okay. The thought of ANOTHER backbend when all I want to do is lay in corpse pose and just close my eyes and give up. But no. you breathe through it, slow down, make purposeful movements, nothing that isn't necessary. Live in the misery, embrace it, and know that this too will indeed pass.
After taking the woman who lost her child to the floor I was reminded that even through someones own personal turmoil that life continues. The world will still spin, the sun will continue to come up and go down. My neighbors lives will stay their course, and oddly enough this womans course, while slightly altered, will remain. Slower at first, but it will go on. The first time I ever had this experience was standing in line at the United counter at the Denver International airport. The night before I had received the devastating phone call that my beloved grandfather had passed away, unexpectedly. My whole world came crashing to a halt. I was just having fun in Boulder with all my friends tubing down Boulder Creek, and I was headed to a business conference the next day. That weird eerie feeling of seeing my moms cell number show up on my phone. I knew before I even picked the phone up. Something was wrong. Very wrong. So I was headed to Columbus on the first flight the next day. I was standing in the middle of a 100+person line crying my eyes out. I couldn't get it together. All of these people in their business suits, with their children going on vacations, and me going to bury my grandfather. Why didn't these people understand? Why were they laughing and smiling. And in the middle of that line, in the middle of such organized chaos... clarity. I was going to be fine. The world was still going round and round. It's okay to feel the sadness. From my grandfathers death I was inspired to take a new path in life, and now look where I am. I don't know if papa was ready for this drastic of a change. But I'm sure he's smiling down now, shaking his head... that's my granddaughter.
So I have been making the most out of this new adventure I've partaken in. I've been out hiking and exploring, meeting new friends, exploring new places to eat and drink and be merry. I'm excited to buy things like tiki torches for my new back yard! How crazy! I'm thinking about getting Bentley a new cat friend once there isn't someone always around. Then comes the task of finding a nice older cat that he can tolerate. This should be a good time. I will fully embrace my inner cat lady! I may even make my mom help me find one! hahaha she's also cat lady :) I come by it honestly
I feel i should be keeping this up more, and hopefully now that life has settled a little more this will be the case. My love life is in the state that it is always in. Maybe one day; but that day surely isn't today or tomorrow, probably not the next day either. I guess if I stop looking I will find it. Although the pond is getting smaller and more shallow, my hopes are still there... somewhere... I guess. The bitterness is there. I can't help it some days. I am so truly excited for my friends that are all finding their soulmates, the ones that compliment their lives and the people that encourage them to grow as individuals. I love that I have been able to be part of their courtships and weddings. But it's hard not to think... I'm the last one standing sometimes. I know that I have a handful of girlfriends that understand as they are right there with me, but it's hard. The adage of "you will meet the right person when the time is right" gets old and under my skin and makes me mad, and more bitter. How much longer do I have to wait? patience I guess. Whatever.
And on a totally random and unrelated note. I would like to suggest to everyone reading this that they take the time to honestly talk to their loved ones about what should happen if that person is unable to medical choices for themselves. Moms and dads, grandparents, grown children. A Do Not Resuscitate order just isn't enough these days. It's important to discuss the options of Do Not Intubate and Do Not Ventilate. As all three of these things are separate
and are not inclusive of one another. Just because you stop breathing doesn't mean your heart has stopped. Just because you still have a slight breath left doesn't mean they won't put you on BiPAP and alas keep you alive by pure science. I hate that death is still so taboo. When it is just as natural as birth is. As papa used to say: Life is terminal. No one gets out alive. Nothing could ever be more true. Also birth and death are the easy bits, everything in between is complicated.
Next entry will be about my adventures. I guess I've just needed a little place to vent my philosophies on life a little. So I'll step off this little soap box of mine and put it away now. Now to show you the fun parts of what I've been up to!
