Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly. - Morticia Addams

So what have I seen? What have I experienced? What happens those nights when I come home and just fall asleep and pretend that what I have seen I haven't.  Those things that shape my practice, my life, my stereotypes, my ability to help others, my compassion.

Know that when you come into the ER that we know a lot of things. I know that you have raped your niece. I know that you have punched your mother in the face more than once. I know that you would rather drink your child support payments than clothe your own children. I know that you were a victim of child abuse. I know that you were sexually abused as a child and you are now abusing your own children. I know that you love him, but is that what love really looks like?  I know about the funny little tattoos you have placed in odd spots on your body.  Yes even the ones on your private bits.  It's my job to notice these things. I take in sensory information to get a picture of who you are and where you come from and how you got to be at my door step. Just because I understand why doesn't mean I feel the actions are right or even remotely okay to condone.

I have seen 8 children come through the doors at different times, all from the same village with less than 200 people. Those children between the ages of 1 and 9; that are all diagnosed with gonorrhea. I will let you, the reader, guess how that all happened.

I have seen the face of a mother who brought in her 4 year old child with tears in her eyes as she says her child is bleeding in their private parts. And knowing that that mother was sexually abused as a small child herself.  To see the pain in her eyes as she feared the worst.

I have seen a woman come in drunk day after day, for weeks on end with new bruises all over her body. Who buzzes her hair because if she didn't the person that "loves her" would rip her hair out anyways.

I have seen the man who has drank himself almost to death on a weekly basis. And you think... Get it together!... I think... my god the human body is amazing! And then you learn the story of how his body can continue to withstand a blood alcohol level of .6 repeatedly.  Yes. 0.6.  The legal limit is 0.08. That is 7.5 times the legal limit.  The persons dad and him were on a snow machine when he was 6 years old.  On another snow machine was his mom and two siblings.  The family was going from one village to another to visit friends.  The mothers snow machine fell through the ice drowning the mom and the other two siblings.  The father, having no coping mechanisms, started to drink heavily. The patient having no other way to bond with his grieving father sat and drank with him. At the age of 6.  Like I said I don't condone these actions, or agree with them.  But I understand them.  I am horrified by them.

I have had to encourage a woman whose own son beat her in the face so badly that she had one of her sinuses and an orbital fractured, to press charges against him.  She looks at me and pleads "Why would he do this to me? My own son!"  and the only words I can say are "You must respect yourself and stand up for yourself, you have to press charges"  and she just cries and cries.  I could never imagine the feeling this woman was experiencing.

I was the person that brought an entire family back after their father/grandfather/brother/friend passed away on Christmas Eve.

How do I cope?  I don't often find myself drowning my sorrows at the bottom of a wine glass... especially on the nights when you see what alcohol can do to a person or a family.  I tend to make crass jokes and flippant comments about these situations to other colleagues who also have had these experiences.  It puts a weird barrier between my reality and the patients reality.  I don't really know how else to explain it. This can make me seem cold and uncompassionate. It is to save myself, my soul, my mind, my sanity. It is a shell that I have to wear. If I didn't I would be destroyed.

I think there is something that all of you reading should watch.  It is something that happened all over the world in the 70's when missionaries were canvassing the world to "humanize" village people. Not just in bush Alaska but in other countries, and throughout the lower 48 as well.  The village of St. Michaels is in the Norton Sound region where Nome is the hub town.  The people in the bush had a HUGE disservice done to them, and it truly has never been rectified.  You want to know how the circle of abuse began? This 28 minute video from Frontline on PBS will give you a pretty good idea.  An entire GENERATION that was ruined, humiliated, dehumanized, and left without any retribution.  I ask that you please take the time to watch this. This is not a feel good story, there is no happy ending.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/the-silence/

Until we meet again lovelies.

Be kind to yourself and to others. You do not know their struggles, and they do not know yours.  In the end we are all just trying to get by as best we can.

Life must be lived as play - Plato

Me and Lindy driving to Girdwood along Turnagain Arm as the sun is coming up (10am-ish) Also it was SO cold! -5F

So it's been another VERY long pause between entries.  I have since spent the holidays in Nome and New Years in Denver, watched one of my best friends get married in Mexico and had one of my best friends meet me in Anchorage at a time when I needed a friend more than I ever could have imagined (Thank you Lindy). I have moved to Anchorage, and my cat has followed me too.  I am very excited about my new city, meeting new friends, and nurturing some of the older friendships that I have in Anchorage already.  It was a little stressful because a lot of my newer friends in Anchorage I met through T. And T and I are no longer dating.  I feared that I wouldn't have anyone to hang out with at all.  But alas that is not the truth. The split was inevitable, and both parties were on kind of on the same page (Okay. I may have been on a page a few chapters back... neither here nor there... at least I was in the same book.), but the loss of the relationship still took its toll on me.  Since moving down from Nome the friends that I had met have been inviting and open. Inviting me to dinners and lunch and asking me if I need any help during this transition.  I wish the loneliness would leave, but I guess only time is the true healer in that department.

So anyways. Bentley is here!! It was sad to take him away from the place that had taken such good care of him and take him away from all of his cat friends. Marie and all the staff at All My Kitties loved and cared for Bentley like he was their own cat. I am forever grateful for the care and love you gave to my sweet boy.  I'm going to let Bentley settle in for about a month and see if he is lonely. If he is I may just add a cat to my cat lady status... It's okay I hear 3 cats and living alone is when you start navigating into spinster cat lady land.

Dirtrude made it to Anchorage, and all my stuff has been packed and placed on a truck that is going from Denver to Tacoma and then from Tacoma it's put on a barge to Anchorage... I'm sure most of it will smashed to bits by the time it all gets here.... Lindy says I need to be more positive... I'm positive half my stuff will be broken... thank God for insurance ;)  I have been passing my time here by diving back into my yoga practice and getting into a normal gym routine again.  It's nice to be able to go to the grocery and buy produce that isn't going to be bad within 24 hours of  purchase. Such luxury.

I start real work tomorrow. The first week I was in orientation, learning about the hospital and learning their electronic health records system. It will be nice to get a paycheck again!

Here are some pictures from the last month or so:

Me and Lindy sharing a moment in Mexico

Sunshine, pool and the beach! Heaven!

Bridesmaid! 

From the bottom of the Ce-Note looking
up

Another picture from the bottom of the CeNote

The day after I landed back in Nome from my stay in Mexico. Snow covered beach, and snow pants. Beautiful.

One of the best breakfasts I have ever had. SO AMAZING.
The Buff in Boulder, CO

One of the more pretty approaches I've had into Seattle. Mt. Rainier is in the back, Mercer Island in the middle, 520 Floating bridge is spanning the water, the clouds are low and rolling over Elliot bay to the far right of the picture.  The tip of the 737 wing on the left side of the picture

Until all the furniture shows up totes and camp chairs are where it's at.  #GrownUp

I'm working on my next post right this second. Now that some time has passed since I have stopped practicing in Nome I can now speak to some of the things that I encountered and explain to you why sometimes when you meet nurses we have a "hardened" exterior. Why our humor is a little darker and why we may seem like we "don't care" when just the opposite is true.  The weird things we do to distance ourselves from someone elses reality.

Long live the city life!

Love to you all!

Man only likes to count his troubles, but he does not count his joys. - Fyodor Dostoevsky

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

It has been another long month without a post! So many things have happened in the last month. I have weathered through a little heartache, but mostly it's been a pretty good.  I have accepted a position at the Alaska Native Medical Center (ANMC), and will be starting Jan 13th.  My last day at the hospital in Nome is Christmas, and I leave Dec 27th for Anchorage! YAY! I am headed to Anchorage tomorrow to find a place to live and to buy a car.  I will be heading to Denver at the end of December to ship all of my stuff that was so carefully placed in that storage unit not so long ago.  The four week count down has begun.  In the Thanksgiving spirit I will list 30 things I am thankful for this year. In no particular order

1. One of the most supportive and accepting families. Even from 4 time zones away just knowing that everyone is a phone call away (and at absurd Alaska hours it's mildly early for mom and dad)

2. My old friends from Alaska, Ohio, Colorado, and Washington.  That will let me call and just meltdown without any judgement at all. The best of friends are the ones that let you do this and support you all the way to the bitter end of whatever nonsense has gotten you so upset.

3. My new friends in Nome and Anchorage.  A new adventure, and new companions to help make the journey worthwhile and unforgettable!

4. Bentley.  I miss my kitty. He comes home with me Jan 6th.

5. The road system. 

6. Milk that doesn't cost $12/gal

7. Gas that is under $6/gal

8. A car to sing in at the top of my lungs, to drive aimlessly when I need to clear my head, a place to cry and let the emotion out. 

9. That my car can't talk, or express any of the above. Same goes for the cat... and the cat knows too much... we've been buddies for 11 years. College... both times, break ups, get togethers, too much wine nights... seriously... good thing Bentley can't talk.

10. Wine nights with friends!

11. Roads that are paved.

12. Roads that aren't paved

13. The ability to up and travel, move around, and not be held accountable to anyone but myself.

14. Crystal clear night skies in Nome. Stars like I have never experienced.

15. My general health and well-being.  Even though it's really taken a toll the last month.  Now that I know I am headed back to a city, things are starting to get better.

16. SAD lamp.  (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

17. The sun.  You never really miss something until you don't see it for weeks on on end.  But I also now understand why animals look for sunny spots.  I find when I am out and about during the day on my days off that I will stand in front of a window with the sun shining in and just look out and close my eyes and just feel the rays of the sun.  It's like breathing in new life.

18. To have had the opportunity to live in a remote town, off the road system, on the edge of the earth and help take care of a population that most of the country has never heard of. To be part of the minority. To be able to make their day a little better because I can help them.  To know that their culture has accepted me as I have accepted their culture. To have met a people that are so generous and giving that I could never repay what they have given to me.

19. I am thankful for the opportunities I have been given to see many parts of the great state of Alaska with new friends. 

20. I am thankful for a resilient heart.

21. I am thankful that I can and will always wear my heart on my sleeve. I love with my whole heart. I don't know how to do it any other way.  For the good or the bad. This is certainly a double edged sword, but at least my heart is resilient

22. Apple juice

23. Hot yoga

24. Friends that will just hop on a plane willy nilly and fly to Anchorage!

25. Friends that will just hop on a plane willy nilly and fly to Iceland!

26. Friends that accept you back into the fold no matter how long you have been gone.

27. All My Kitties.  You have cared for Bentley for so many months and have made sure he has been healthy and happy, you have kept me updated, and sent me pictures. 

28. "The Art of Happiness" by Dalai Lama

29. Hot tea on cold nights

30. Dirtrude. And that she is coming to Anchorage with me (she also can't talk!)

Lindy is coming to Anchorage today, me too!! Pictures will get posted probably early next week.  Love to every one!

Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference. - Charlie Chaplin

So long Anchorage. Until we meet again.

I have talked to a lot of you about Nome,and how I'm doing; how it's not nearly as cheery of a picture as I paint on this little blog I have. 

I have been having a really hard time here. I sound really happy about it all, but this place sucks the absolute life out someone that is a city person at heart. Sure I love to get out of the city, rough it in the woods, go days without showering, exploring places that others think... WTF? But this place? This place is a constant reminder that I do like the road system, I do like seeing more than the same 5 people every day... in the city you can feel so alone because you are surrounded by so many anonymous faces... turns out I prefer that kind of lonely to this secluded loneliness that allows me to dwell on the small trivial things in life. And those trivial things become huge mountains of anguish... because... there is nothing to keep me from thinking otherwise.  I don't live in reality. I live daily in non-reality.  It's interesting to think about, and it was pretty okay for the first little bit. The sun was always out, there were always people to go 4-wheeling with back into the hills, or up towards the fish camp that is 15 miles up the beach.  But right now?   We have 8 hours of daylight. We lose 6 minutes every day... that is 1 hour every 10 days. Nothing is frozen over, there is not nearly enough snow to snowmachine on.., in fact there isn't any snow on the ground at all in town. It falls at night and melts during our 8 hours of daylight turning every street in town into a complete mud pit.  It's blowing 25mph all day, every day, and pouring rain.  Let me just say that riding a 4-wheeler in that kind of weather just sucks.  No matter the windshield or the hand grip warmers.

This place is also starting to take a serious toll on my physical well-being. I can barely eat, I sleep all the time, I look forward to my three days of work because it is actually something to do.  I can only go to the same three bars with the same group of people seeing all the people I take care of in the ER so many days in a row.  There is absolutely nothing to do in this town.  Nothing. I am going stir crazy. Literally crazy.   No amount of wine, puzzles, small dinner parties, or the promise of trips out of town.. to a road system! and more than one radio station! and enough bandwidth to actually stream things from the internet (holy first world problems.. I know!)! has been able to help.  

I went to Anchorage on Sunday. I had spent the last 3 weeks in Nome, working, and realizing that I was slowly losing my sanity.  Some very wondrous things happened in Anchorage that I am not at liberty to post on this very public forum.  If you are interested please email or text me.  Things are looking up, and things are looking bright, and even though I have that in my mind... I still had to come back to Nome.  Before getting on the plane my stomach turned to knots again, anxie-rrhea... I have 6 nights of work ahead of me then a day off to get back on a non-vampire schedule, then a trip to the lower-48! I will be giving a talk to the next class of nurses that will be graduating from Seattle University next Friday morning.  Telling them of my experience. My adventure. My reality living in a place, that to me, is so far removed from reality.  Perhaps if it was all that I had ever known it would be such a nice place to live. 

I will always have that city streak in me.  A place to get my eyebrows waxed, hot yoga, a place to get tea at any time, more than 3 restaurants to choose from, reliable cell service, reliable internet, paved roads, not having to wear ski goggles because of the dust/rain/wind... you know normal stuff.  I can't apologize for any of those things. It is just me.  Maybe being more off the beaten path but still having a city to go to that doesn't require an hour plane ride or a dog sled team to get to could be plausible.  Just thinkin out loud. One thing is certain.. and that is nothing in life is certain.

So if in the last month or so you have noticed a shift my mood, now you know why.  I will keep trying to make the best of this situation that, in the end, I have chosen for myself.  I chose this ride. I chose to live in Nome. I chose to work in Nome. And now I'm figuring out how to deal.  

Wherever you go, go with all your heart. - Confucius

The harbor, and the view from dinner

 This is from the little trip I took to Seward, AK to visit one of the doctors that also works in Nome. She is one of the best docs in Nome and I was so thankful that she was gracious enough to let me stay at her place for a few nights!

The rest of the pictures are from Homer, California and pictures of Nome!

Exit Glacier, just outside of Seward

The view driving into Homer, AK

Leave it to the bathroom in a bar to have such a positive message!

This is the little hostel/homestead T and I stayed at on our
 Homer adventure

These ponies are doing it right!

One of the owners of Seaside Farms has an incredible artistic
touch. Loved this!

Marine Highway ship coming in

Sunset over Kachemak Bay

Little drops of heaven come from here ;)

First stop on the wine tour was Frogs Leap

Enjoying a Petite Syrah while taking in the gardens

Sporting CU stuff ;) 

Next stop Francis Coppola winery!

Loved the views of the endless vineyards

Me and Leah getting ready for a wedding!!

A picture of my kitchen. My pots and pans hang over the sink! 

The Alaska Airlines Eskimo on the tail is keeping watch
at the airport

Me in my fancy "Safety
Patrol" hat

The gray house is my best friends house.  This is the view
from my living room window.  Cheers Jesse!

An angry sea today. 

Goodness is the only investment that never fails. - Henry David Thoreau

I know it's been a long time without an update and I am so so so sorry! It's been a busy past month, with lots of ups and downs, and me trying to find my way through life... you know the standard being 30 in a town far far away. Besides working at the hospital in Anchorage I also did a little sight seeing as well! I was able to make it down the Seward and to stunning Homer, AK. I went to Napa Valley in California to watch one of my best friends from nursing school get married, and spent some time with my incredible friend Leah and her husband bubby.  I also took my certification test to be a board certified ER nurse. I won't find out the results for another 4 weeks or so. So fingers crossed! Plus do you know how daunting of a task it seems with every passing day that I don't write that I will need to write about that passing day... now times that by 6 weeks... I don't really know where to start.

 I finished up my stint in Anchorage at the hospital there. I got to see and work with really sick patients, watch a few die, save a few, and deal with the drunk and disorderly.  I have seen the best in people and the absolute worst. I reflect on the words of doctors and nurses a like.  We had a woman brought to us via Anchorage PD for a suspected sexual assault. So that sucks.  But then you get the story from the girl.  You hear it, you want to believe it, you bring them back into the ER, you tell them that the doc is going to need to evaluate them. She refused the evaluation. And it was an interesting thing.  Do you be naive and believe her or are you the asshole because you don't? The general consensus was that if you can't see it... it didn't happen.  How weird to feel both naive and like an asshole at the same time, and yet I still haven't made a real opinion on what had happened. I got to see lots of overdoses, attempted suicides, WAY drunk people, lots of synthetic marijuana (spice).... which is HORRIBLE stuff... legalize the real stuff and ban that fake stuff!  I got to help with putting in chest tubes, and rapid sequence intubations. All good things to have done a few times because the chances of doing them in Nome are few and far between. I also had a few "what the fuck am I doing? why am I nurse?" moments... Those weren't so fun.  I asked a few of the new friends I made if this was "normal" and a few of them candidly told me that they had been having those exact thoughts for 5 years, and that it is indeed normal. Asking my nursing school friends the same question.... I'm not alone either.  

Speaking of Nome I am finally in my own Nome nice place! It's a cute stand alone 1 bedroom house. Yes it has running water, plumbing, heat, windows, floors that aren't dirt, electricity, cable and internet! It's like I walk in and I am in the lower 48! Hahahaha!! Almost! I have my own little deep freeze freezer because i have a micro freezer in the fridge that doesn't hold more than ice cubes. My new little freezer holds my 10lb bags of frozen chicken breasts, and my 5lb of steak, ice, butter, milk, all the things I buy in bulk in Anchorage and bring back to Nome with me. I will post pictures of my place once all the boxes and totes are removed and my clothes are hidden from view!   The weather is changing and it has been snowing a little, and raining and 35 degrees a lot. The wind is picking up and it most certainly feels like winter is coming.  I bought a snowmachine when I was in Anchorage. T and his friends are going to teach me how to ride it and I will ship it to Nome in January some time.  Don't worry there is plenty of snow on the ground in Nome until around May so I will still be using it as my daily driver for awhile after I get it up here.  I have been asked to be the medical staff for the Nome to Golovin snowmachine race by one of the local snowmachine/4-wheeler shops (the one I frequent quite often)... that should be a nice resume booster... certainly unique if nothing else.  Dirtrude has been upgraded again to nice warm grips for my hands.  They get HOT! even on the lowest setting.  I'm sure this is something that I won't regret.

I'm back to night shift now in Nome, it's a nice change of pace. I am really enjoying it.  We get more actual sick people than people that come for a well baby check up (Yes they bring their healthy babies to the nasty, gross, germ filled ER for this.... WTF?).  For those wondering we are still getting about 9 hours of daylight now. The sun doesn't come up until around 9am though.  We've had some really good aurora sightings around here when the sky has been clear.  So far we haven't much excitement at night. Just had a pt come in and drop a knife at my feet with cuts all over their arms saying they wanted to hurt themselves... talk about dramatic entrances... jesus. I know I may sound a little cold in saying stuff like that, but if you were to know the entire back story... This individual needs more help than may be available in the state.  They know all the right things to say to get in the door and all the right things to be let out the door. Manipulative, and cunning.  I also saw something I hope to never see again and that is a unilateral (one side of the body only) seizing 3-month old baby with absolutely no fever at all.  The team in the hospital (Hey I was included in the team this time! YYYEEESSS!) got this very sick kiddo from door to in the air in 1.5 hours. This is medicine in rural Alaska.  I am just so thankful that the baby stopped seizing after we finally got medication into it, and also that the weather was clear enough for our little King Air to get off the ground and to Anchorage where this kiddo needed to be.

So for now I have had 4 days off and I have stayed in Nome for all of them... I must be sick! It's been good though. I have been out with other nurses from the acute care unit, my old roommate Megan came back to town to visit her boyfriend, I was able to go and partake in a Mexican potluck dinner and other festivities! Making new Nomite friends! And keeping my old ones too :)  I go back to Anchorage for a haircut and such  on Sunday.  It has only been like 8 months since my last trim and my hair is WAY to long.... it takes 4 hair ties to keep it up at the gym! That is just insanity! NO! So I will take about 4"-6" off and the best part? no one will be able to tell the difference.  Long hair is awesome like that.

We have been having serious Nome problems lately.  The post office is down two people and the packages are backing up for everyone! I fear when it is time for me to receive all the packages I have been ordering the last 3-4 weeks and my from Ohio box filled with flour, sugar and brown sugar (That stuff is SUPER heavy and dense and takes up too much room in my totes when I travel for how much they weigh!) that I will be yelled at for not picking up my boxes in a timely fashion.... or there will be so many that I will have to drive out by the airport to the annex and fetch them all!

Life is okay up here in the tundra.  And hey fake it til ya make it right?

Until later (which I promise will be sooner than this post came about) lovelies! I will post pictures tomorrow some time! 

The dice of Zeus always fall luckily. -Sophocles

It's been a week since I have been in the big city.  I have been able to transition to nights pretty easily. Turns out my insomnia kicks in pretty well around 3am and I'm good until about 5am when I get really sleepy and then come 715 I will be showered and in bed. Then I wake up at 3pm and do it all again.  I have seen some pretty crazy stuff since I've been here.  I've seen what a high heel can do to a persons face when it is used as a weapon. I have seen what a brick can do to a persons face too. I have watched someone die. I have watched a man try so hard for so long to breathe and a heart rate above 150 beats a minute for over 5 hours get intubated and watched their core temp just sink sink sink. And I got to see the dysfunction that happens when the critical care nurse that is going to take that poor soul prioritizes her morning coffee over the care of this individual because we need to transport this patient around 5 minutes before shift change.  Good to know that Nome isn't the only dysfunctional place around. Don't worry I still get see my fair share of drunks too.  Had a lovely come in high on spice and a BAC of 331.  Perfect combination for a person to be completely insane. And they were.  Found completely naked running around a neighborhood. And I got to see when three teenagers beat up an elderly person and put him in the ICU with a brain bleed from the impact of his fall.  What the hell is wrong with people?

Also this is what happens when you have a few cocktails and decide that trimming your tree with a chainsaw on top of a 10' ladder and the branch you cut down first hit you and knocks you off the ladder and you land on a chair.  Guess he was lucky enough to get away without anything but a broken femur.

I like driving a car again. It's also pretty nice going to Dairy Queen and getting an Oreo and Peanut butter cup blizzard.   Also it's a little weird having a glass of wine at 7am.  It's totally legit, but it seems weird.  Oh well. Everyone is entitled to a cocktail after a 12 hour shift. Done and done.

I have the next 4 days off before my next shift. Who knows where I will go and explore. But I will surely let you know.

Until next time lovelies!